Have you by any chance shat your pants recently?

Excuse me miss. No, I'm not actually taking a survey. While I certainly wish that i could authentically claim so, I would be a fraud in the same manner as Sarah Palin (What Magazines do you read? All of them.) and portray myself as a cliche while doing so.

My question for you: Do you remember the last time you shat yourself? Was it within the past month? Within 4? Shit, there I go with the survey fraud. Forgot to remind myself that I'm being upfront with you.

Anyways, do you remember how awful a feeling that was? Horrible. You smell like a perpetual fart and you start developing an advanced sub-type of diaper rash. Pretty soon, you start an awful chaffing process and are not sure whether its more comfortable to sit or to stand.

Perhaps you should've held that fart in. I thought it was going to be dry, you say to yourself. But your as doesn't want to hear it. It just wants you to wipe.

I actually really pity anyone that has recently shat their pants. Its an awful and traumatic experience,  and not even in the I-can-write-my-college-essay-about-this way. Which may be the worst part if you have no idea how you expect to get accepted into Brown (whoa, shitty pun).

Y'all fellas Blaze?

Last Friday night, as I strolled down Amsterdam Avenue with my squat, rotund little buddy a large black man passe by us. "Y'all fellas blaze?"

He stood firm two meters away, awaiting a response like a child waiting for his mother to serve breakfast. I turned my head and my eyes caught his gaze, their pupils dilated searching the Manhattan evening for spectral undertones.

Staring at the black wallet on the desk, hours later, caused me to wonder what may have occurred had it been resting in my pocket earlier.

there once was...

there once was a boy named jed

he wouldnt get the fuck outta bed

he did stupid shit

was grounded for it

and now he's not getting head.

"im so fucking wasted guys" no ur not z!!

dont pretend

red bull and vodka 

brewed in kamchatka

that total bull

i'm lying in full

but it was mad fucking tasty

i bought it in gristedes

GO TO SLEEP BITCH

fucking 40 plus (not gonna specify) fucking bitch go to fucking sleep ur so fucking annoying chaperone shit ballsucker.

the red bull was awesome.

New Scientific Study

Its not actually new, its from 5 years ago. But its quite interesting. And by that, I mean really fucking interesting. http://www.murdzplace.com/CNN.htm

When you're feeling down...

....and you want to turn its around!!!!!

JUST REMEMBER:

You were once a tiny sperm. 1 of 1,000,000+ sperm that your father ejaculated. But you got to your mom's ovaries first. YOU WON! The odds were slim, but gosh darnit, you pulled through. Unless you were a test tube baby. Then you just fucking suck.

This man is my hero

He is the true embodiment of everything this blog is about.

Wicked

I saw Wicked tonight, and I was expecting something good. But what the fuck?! They didn't even have Dorothy. Who does the wizard of Oz without Dorothy?

The witch was pretty hot though, except for the whole green thing. But the flying monkeys were badass. And the song where she flies -- my goodness I was so uplifted.

The good witch turned out to be a huge bitch. Go figure. She was so annoying. She reminded me of Ashley Tisdale in the fucking High School Musical (re: suckfest).

HAve you ever scratched the inside of your big toe? It gets so rough. YOu can't feel that shit. I tried scratching recently and i had to use a nailclipper to get rid of the dead protective layer of skin, and it still didn't work. Honestly I don't know who's idea it was to make such an itchy area unscratchable.

I Feel Dirty

Passover has passed us over (removed due to excessive corniness) and the reign of your matzah pizza has ended.

As soon as Passover was over for me, I decided to indulge in some leavened bread. With cheese. And that red pizza sauce. And it wasn’t even good. WHY DID I CHEAT ON YOU MATZAH PIZZAH?!

I saw a doughy substance sprawled on the table
I knew that I shouldn’t, but I was not able
To strike away my animalistic lust
Gluttony overcame commitment, Have I lost your trust?

I suppose I must accept as all offenders do
The termination of our consignation, but I still crave you
Oh my lungs are devoid of air, for a miscreant such as I
Isn’t deserving of oxygen as the Bible says concerning an eye

For an eye, a tooth for a tooth, it’s true
Exemplifying karmic justice at its paradigmatic value
Your succulent corpus unchained from what I consider mine
My heart shattered pro rata, the anhydrous shards are thine

ON a lighter note - here's a funny movie

Texas Chainsaw Massacre - The Beginning

You may be thinking to yourself - what the fuck are you saying??????

That's a fucking horror movie and I pissed myself when I saw that!!

To which I'd respond: Shut up you pussy-faggot lovechild, I'm entitled to my opinion. This is the fucking Internet, and I live in America (North, don't worry) so I have free speech.

And my opinion is that its hilarious. The last 20 minutes or so of that movie is practically comedy. Leatherface is a regular Rodney Dangerfield, just with a chainsaw and homocidal tendencies. I was cracking up, I could not control my laughter. Honestly, you can't expect the girl to get away in the end, of course he's gonna kill her. And the blone kid who got drilled (literally, a hole through his abdomen) got tossed away like a ragdoll, only LeatherFace used his chainsaw. Fucking brilliant. MAd skills there. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a corpse off of a chainsaw without using your hands?

IF you do, I'd suggest lying about it.

Matzah Pizza

TO anyone who says "that's what they all say!" Well, tune everyone else out but me, and then I'll be the only one saying it. So fucking listen to me already.

What's the difference between Pesach Pizza and Matzah Pizza?
They're probably the same thing.

I love eating your Matzah Pizza
It is beautifully crafted like the Mona Lisa
The cheese is luscious and it does sizzle
On the matzah the sauce is drizzled

Its brick color shrouded by the undulant cheese
Layered upon the matzah base like December snow on trees
The sum of the ingredients in its malleable form
Enervates passersby who instinctively swarm

As the drones circumvent, A body does cogitate
"Who's machination could be eurhythmic as such?"
And that perspicacious soul will still masticate
Mitigating his recalcitrant inclination to nothing much


Subservience is deplorable, yet all will comply
Matzah Pizza's prodigiousness will do that to a guy
Sublime in texture, ethereal in taste
Tell your woman to get into the kitchen with haste!

I WANT SOME MATZAH PIZZA!!!


Disclaimer: WTFAYS does not agree with the opinions and values expressed in the above literary expression. Though we do exemplify them in our daily lives.

Sharp Tasty Crazy Humor

First off, I'd just like to everyone a word of advice:

1. If you’re feeling frisky, and you start humping nearby objects, make sure you know what you’re rubbing up against. Say the table has a sharp corner, you’d probably want to avoid that. Also, If you’re alone in an elevator (and humping the air) make sure to stop BEFORE the doors open.

2. Another thing, to all those people who use LOL:

I know you’re not actually laughing out loud every time that you type in lol. Its so overused and now it has basically no meaning. As long as I make an attempt at [bad] humor I’ll still get a lol. And then when I actually have something funny, I won’t be able to distinguish it from the crap. It’s highly counterproductive. Use ROFL when you actually think something is funny, thanks.

3. How many of you have ever had blueberry blintzes? They are orgasmic. It’s what the sky would taste like if it was cooked. (get it, because its blue)

4. If you have are on a porn site in your other browser window, please exit this one, go back to your happy time, and get it over with. Then you can come (don’t get any on the keyboard!) here.

5. Guns don’t kill people, death kills people.

The Grim Reaper needs a raise.

6. Me: Have you ever pictured Santa Claus getting head from one of the elves in his workshops?

You: You too?

Me: Holy Fuck you have?

…Shit now even I’m a little freaked out

You: Can I call you back?

shwwwwwwu is not scary

People have some weird assumption that "shwwwwwu" is a scary sound. This ruined one of ym fun nigths at a haunted house. A stupid guy pooped out of a bush wearing white table cloth and actually got my nerves tingling. But what ruined all my fun was that he said "shwwwwuuu" instead of "booooo" What a doosh. I giggled but then for the rest of the night i was really pissed because I wanted a fun time and this dude ruine dit all... I was so mad I slit my wrist and now I am a heroin addict

thoughts from tonight

Right now – mothu fucka, Right now – mothu fucka, Right now – mothu fucka,

Right now – mothu fucka, Right now – mothu fucka, Right now – mothu fucka,

Right now…uh…uh…. Right now…uh…uh….Right now…uh…uh….

Right now…uh…uh….When tha fuck we doin this?!?!?!?!?

Right now – mothu fucka, Right now – mothu fucka, Right now – mothu fucka,

Right now – mothu fucka, Right now – mothu fucka, Right now – mothu fucka,

Right now…uh…uh…. Right now…uh…uh….Right now…uh…uh….

Right now…uh…uh….When tha fuck we doin this?!?!?!?!?

Fuck when we doin… Fuck when we doin…fuck fuck

Fuck when we doin… Fuck when we doin…fuck fuck fuck…

WHEN THA FUCK WE DOIN THIS!?!????????????????????????????????????!!!!!!

DANCING QUEEN

Feel the beat of your tam-boo-rine…uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh(very sesnsual)

THIs is how we do it

How we do it to it, yes we do it to you

And I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH Mayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!(me)

I’ve become so alive

I can feel you there

Everyone could die

I wouldn’t care

RAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRR……arararararararararar……

Joe/Michael the fellow beatbox interlude (interlewd) (haha so fucking funny)

Rachel bolnik tries to join in beatboxing but I make her stop (sorry that’s really mean)

[bolnik cracks up laughing hysterically, then gets mad and has an evil face]

I need to stop picking on her.

Bum bee dee bum bum bee dee bum bum bum bee dee bum bum bum bee dee bum

Holy fuck im going crazy caffeine is way better than crack could ever be I feel like I am on crack I have no idea I really think im on crac im going nuts and its 1 AM im a seriously on XTC or something omg I look scary right now I am moving around violently this would scare the faint of heart oh shitt…

Right now mother fucka’a

A

Dasdasf

Kl’dasfhzdasfc;kuhdasDAS

‘OH SHIT THIHS SHOYULD BE VIDEOED

I LOOKED LIKE A MONKEY ON ETC AND PURE COMLUMBIAN COCAINE

TOPPED OF BY ANGELDUST FOR DESSERT

I like your mom

Are you wondering why i have such a massive scab/bruise/hickey/nasy shit on my neck??? WEll, to tell you the truth, your mom's a biter. YEP, she likes nibblin'. Sorry you had to find out from me.

Japanese Model Wins Court Case Because of Her Huge Breasts

Here's another reason to love big boobs (as if you needed convincing): Serena Kozakura, a Japanese model, argued that her boobs were too big for her to fit through a door (and lay a beat down on her cheating boyfriend/dumbass). And you know what the amazing part is? She won the case. Because her boobs were too big to fit through a hole in the door. If that's not the ultimate compliment than I don't know what is. THAT"S fucking incredible! Why don't boobs have effects on cases in US courts? Oh wait, nevermind.


http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20080304/ts_afp/entertainmentjapancourtpeopleoffbeat

I HATE FLYING TURTLES SOO PHUKIN MUCH!!!!

Dude, yesterday I was buying cotton candy and some dumb-ass flying fucking turtle snatched it out of my hand. I didn't have enough money to buy a new one. I'm so fucking angry. His stupid claw-feet scratched my head and it hurts.

Clemens may lose case because of his wife's boob job

This is amazing. Fuck. You can't make this shit up. Clemens is such a fucking dumbass. I already fucking hate him for throwing a broken bat at Mike Piazza, but now he's gone from the subject of my hate to a laughable dumbass. Here's a quote:

"The Daily News has learned that in the days since the Feb. 13 public hearing on steroids in baseball, another major leaguer has informed congressional investigators that Clemens often joked in the clubhouse about a memorable account of the party - a scene in which Debbie Clemens and Canseco's ex-wife Jessica compared the results of their surgical breast enhancements."

That's not The Onion, that's the fucking NY Daily News.

This is the article: http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/baseball/yankees/2008/02/25/2008-02-25_roger_clemens_may_have_joked_about_wifes.html

You can't make this shit up.


Note: I think Jessica Canseco definitely won the boob-job battle. Look at that photo next to the article!

HOly shit its early in the morning

I'm shocked that I'm awake at such a normal hour. This is way too early for a lazy ass slacker like me. what the fuck? Ok, now that I've amazed myself, here's something that will amaze you sick fuckers:

HOLY SHIT ITS THE CROC FROM HAPPY GILMORE!!!

http://tooshocking.com/view-4385-Marriage_Proposal_Fails_Miserably

REJECTED!!!! BEtter get this guy some tissues, ad no, not because he's going to need them when he cries his face off (though he will) but he's not gonna be getting any for a while and tissues are much neater than blowing your load on your portable DVD player. Oh yah, get him some good pornos because he needs to get his mind off that bitch he just proposed to. Or if you've actually got some money (and why would you? No rich man in his right mind would waste his fucking life reading this shit. I'm just kidding. If you're reading this, then i love you. Okay, maybe not.) buy him a hooker, or at least take him to a strip club. Nah nah nah nah, hey hey hye, say goodbye to poontang.

Disclaimer: There's a good chance this guy will hate all women after this, and/or will become a homo. In that case, I'd bet he catches.

extreme skipping is the shit

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fx7k7gyJuFA

WARNIG: THis video may contain footage of some douchebags acting really queer. The upside is that its really funny. YOu wish you did this.

how weird would it be if i cut myself

i was just thinking that the title of this blog (and the fact that I blog) is really emo/goth/some other stupid shit that retarded teenagers do. i don't cut myself though. that would be so weird. holy shit why the fuck would i cut MYSLEF. I'd cut other people if anything. Probably not. I'd get squeamish a little. And they might try to hurt me if i slice them. so bad idea. fuck i hate emos. i dont even know what the fuck it is but it justs sounds retarded. its like...

BIg Brother: stay awa from those kids, they're emo.
Little bro: whats emo?
BIg bro: fucked if i know dipshit stop asking me questions. they're the ones that cut themselves.


Maybe ppl that cut themselves are the goths and i just sounded like a total fool in front of the whole internet. fuck if i care.

holy shit

This is such a shitty idea i don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do with this. It's 4:32 in the morning I'm such a dumbass for being awake.