Have you by any chance shat your pants recently?

Excuse me miss. No, I'm not actually taking a survey. While I certainly wish that i could authentically claim so, I would be a fraud in the same manner as Sarah Palin (What Magazines do you read? All of them.) and portray myself as a cliche while doing so.

My question for you: Do you remember the last time you shat yourself? Was it within the past month? Within 4? Shit, there I go with the survey fraud. Forgot to remind myself that I'm being upfront with you.

Anyways, do you remember how awful a feeling that was? Horrible. You smell like a perpetual fart and you start developing an advanced sub-type of diaper rash. Pretty soon, you start an awful chaffing process and are not sure whether its more comfortable to sit or to stand.

Perhaps you should've held that fart in. I thought it was going to be dry, you say to yourself. But your as doesn't want to hear it. It just wants you to wipe.

I actually really pity anyone that has recently shat their pants. Its an awful and traumatic experience,  and not even in the I-can-write-my-college-essay-about-this way. Which may be the worst part if you have no idea how you expect to get accepted into Brown (whoa, shitty pun).

Y'all fellas Blaze?

Last Friday night, as I strolled down Amsterdam Avenue with my squat, rotund little buddy a large black man passe by us. "Y'all fellas blaze?"

He stood firm two meters away, awaiting a response like a child waiting for his mother to serve breakfast. I turned my head and my eyes caught his gaze, their pupils dilated searching the Manhattan evening for spectral undertones.

Staring at the black wallet on the desk, hours later, caused me to wonder what may have occurred had it been resting in my pocket earlier.